come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
