I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
