Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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