I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
