fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
