forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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