Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
