but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
