At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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