His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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