right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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