And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
