my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
