I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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