Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
