I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
