my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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