your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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