I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
