My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
