Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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