I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
