he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
