just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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