It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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