WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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