alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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