She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
should my penis look like a turkey
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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