My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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