beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
