two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
