I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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