i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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