I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And then he peed in my hair
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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