EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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