why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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