My ATM looks so different sober.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
