Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You ruined the universe
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
