I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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