hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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