so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to calm my uterus...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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