fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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