Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
