He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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