The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
