I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
