I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
