Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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