she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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