My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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