I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
