a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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