I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
